There's a future for all of us that's at great risk. For the first time in a very long time, I take a calming breath in and try to picture myself in it. How I've always imagined myself in my head versus what other people have seen is always mismatched. Maybe, I hope, that what others see and how I am will be more in alignment if I keep doing this.
Death has been a lifelong companion of mine, and I'm not sure if it's due to the influence of it's magic or from the years of trying to keep on the sidelines, but slotting myself into a picture of the future has always been tough. Death commands instinct and instict is very much of the current moment. Death has occupied much of my past as well, wrapping itself around my memories and sensations often enough to where I reached out to it willingly. I thought I was running from Death but really it was just becoming a deeper part of me this whole time. I couldn't see a future because I wasn't letting myself actually live in a genuine way.
Now that I find myself wanting it, we have to fight to save it. The girl that I was, with her nervousness and inclination toward hiding in plain sight, protected me the best that she could. She accepted the hits as just part of being a girl, but now I find myself wanting to reject that idea completely. When I see people like Zeta and Iris choose womanhood time and time again, delight in it, find their own paths through it, I feel like I could relax. Watching them move through womanhood just reinforces the difficulties I had with my own were because it wasn't mine to begin with. The more comfortable alternative for me is also the most terrifying to contemplate. Too many unknown moments ahead, but there's not really any choice but forward.
In time, I'll start to realize all of those moments that never made sense are going to be clearer. I'm going to have to keep remembering them. The girl that I was is going to hate every moment of it; her method of protection was to repress and forget. Alongside trying to learn what kind of man I am, I know that I'll also have to learn the ways my repression led to so much unavoidable pain. All the missed chances, all the times I said and thought I was fine--I'm not sure if I'm ready to mourn it yet, but mourning is always in the wake of Death.
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